My world completely transformed when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I felt an immediate love for this little person growing inside me and when I laid eyes on him for the first time I understood what unconditional love was. The love was instant and consuming. My little Braith became my world.
My world fell apart
My heart sunk when the Doctors shared he was unwell. We didn’t understand the full picture at birth but as the months went by his health issues continued to arise. My baby was in and out of hospital suffering fits of epilepsy, issues with digestion and had no developmental growth.
I woke one Sunday morning to find him cold and lifeless in his cot. A morning I will never forget. I was in strong denial that he was gone, the paramedics had to take Braith off me as I kept trying to do CPR, convinced I could bring him back. My denial continued until the funeral. The pain was a physical ache in my heart that panged fiercely from the moment I woke until I closed my eyes at night. I would wake hysterically in the middle of the night as the realisation would kick in. I would never hold my Braith again.
Others quite often tell me they do not know how I coped and comment on how strong I am. The truth is, I had no choice. I didn’t feel strong and I didn’t feel like I was coping, I felt lost without my baby and a constant sadness lingered in my heart. The only way I knew how to cope, was to dive into projects to keep my mind busy. I kept myself preoccupied with charity events and a new business. This felt much easier than sitting in the pain of loss. The hole in my heart was partially healed when I had my sons, Oska and Banjo however there was a scar that I continued to ignore until I was struck with depression many years later. It hit me suddenly and fiercely.
Healing the heart
I was running myself to the ground and my body finally decided it had had enough of carrying around this trauma. I couldn’t understand my state of depression, I knew I needed to ease up on my incessant to do list but this did not warrant the pain I felt. I had no will to live. It wasn’t until I sat with a psychologist I realised I had not allowed myself to heal from losing my son and other past traumas in my life. I was so focused on being a good person and trying to be positive that I wasn’t being true to my heart that needed to be healed. When I uncovered this, I faced the pain. I allowed it to come up and I cried. I sobbed for the loss of my son, I cried over the traumatic image of Braith lifeless in his cot, I released the feelings of guilt I held onto;
Maybe if I had of slept with him that night I could have prevented it, or maybe if I had of realised how sick he was I could have taken him to hospital… The
what ifs that haunted me. Once I released the guilt and pain, allowing it to run its course and leave my body, I felt lighter. I cried as I wrote this article and I will cry many more tears over my son however I have released the pain I had buried. The tears that I cry now are a healthy emotion that any mother would have, when thinking of their precious child that has left them. I have a full heart because I no longer carry around guilt. I no longer fear my other loved ones may be taken from me. I have released the stories I held onto, and I am whole.
From my heart to yours
Coping with the loss of a child is never going to be easy. I send so much love to anyone who has lost a loved one and I offer you this, our loved ones live on inside us. They had an instrumental role to play in our lives and the lessons we have learnt and emotions we have felt have been vital to who we have become. Please do not bury the pain of your loss, it will only rise-up later with more intensity in a physical or mental capacity. When you feel safe and comfortable to do so, let go of the hurt and the stories that have been created from your loss. This will free your heart to live a life of purpose and love. This will honour your loved one…
It will honour your life too. x
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