Do Dark Thoughts Ever Go Away??
Once your mind has taken the leap and plunged into the darkest part of you,
Can you ever get to a point that you no longer go there when you feel hopeless?
I remember thirteen years ago, Oska was a two year old and really living up the reputation two-year olds have with constant tantrums and displaying his ODD in a battle for control.
Banjo was a sleepless one year old, 4am was the start to his day and once he wanted another nap at 6am, Oska would wake ready for his breakfast and play time. My husband worked away so most of the week I was on my own.
I loved those early years with my boys but like all young Mums I craved a good nights sleep.
After a few months of limited shut eye, I had a mini melt down cleaning the bath whilst the boys were in bed. As I scrubbed the porcelain I started sobbing. I kept scrubbing and sobbing like a crazed lady and for the first time in my joyful and blessed life I thought, 'Whats the point of this?'
I loved my life, I loved my children but the days felt unending.
It was the catalyst for me to talk to my husband about moving back to Newcastle from our experiment living in Forster. It wasn't depression or a lasting feeling, it was a mere flicker of a tired mind but I reacted immediately.
I took it as a serious warning that I needed more support.
Fast forward through divorce and single parenting and my mind didn't go there again until those dark days of my depression 2015, nearly ten years later.
It became a daily thought, 'What's the point of this' and I added new phrases to my repertoire of life is hard speak, 'I can't do this anymore' and 'Everyone would be better off without me' and 'No one cares why should I?'
I had my miraculous recovery from depression and those deep dark thoughts lay dormant until 2019 when my stress response reached another ceiling of its ability to preserve.
I've come off medication and feel inspired to look after myself and make positive changes for my overall well-being, but I still seem to be victim to that dark cycle of thoughts when I feel hopeless.
Will they ever go away?
It feels like such a dramatic response to situations that upset or frustrate me. I know not to listen, I know to go for a walk, get fresh air, meditate or journal.... or today - blog. All these methods help. But at the pit of my stomach is that feeling.
'What's the point?'
I can smile over it, no one today would know the demons I'm facing. I laughed and smiled on my daily walk with a girlfriend. I gave Banjo hugs and smiles as he left for school. I've chatted away to those I've seen at the Sanctuary and I'll give them a highly energised class this afternoon when I teach.
But underneath all this, is a feeling of hopelessness. A lump in my throat that I can't clear and a dark feeling of despair.
All I can do,
all anyone can do that dances with the darkness is to remind themselves,
'This too shall pass'
Tomorrow is another day. My woes of today will not be my woes of tomorrow and I don't need to believe every 'feeling' I have.
For any of you who dance with the darkness ongoing, I feel you with all my heart.
Find what gives you a little peace and do that. Sharing & giving to others and nature are mine. They keep my light flickering in the background, just enough to keep my thoughts only that.
I continue to contradict them with my actions of love and kindness until the darkness has no power to feed off, no negative actions to re energise itself with.
There's plenty of bad in the world. Unkind and selfish acts are all around us but we can choose to be different even amidst our darkness.
Keep shining your light friends... I'm going to shine mine.